When the Unforgiving Persists in Unforgiveness

When the offended whom you have apologized to as well as pursued peace with blatantly refuse to accept your apologies, what do you do? The answer to this question is the thrust of this episode of BrojidStepUp and is likely to be the last post on this series.

Look Beyond the Unforgiveness

I understand that what you seek badly from the unforgiving person is sincere and total forgiveness; but now that he has blatantly refused to forgive you, I suggest you take your eyes away from the forgiveness you seek and consider the message the unforgiveness communicates.

You see, I have found that when people really care about their relationships, they do whatever they can to maintain it; but when they don’t care, they don’t even put the slightest effort to make it work. Unforgiveness, especially when apologies have been tendered is a way of saying, “I am done with this relationship” or “I don’t care about it”.

So, don’t just fix your eyes on the fact that the fellow refused to forgive you, bear in mind that his refusal may have a message encoded in it which has not been verbalized. I understand that it’s not safe to conclude that his unforgiveness is a way of calling your relationship quits; but it give a lot of clue. If in addition to this, he puts up other attitude or lifestyle that doesn’t show real commitment to the relationship you have, you can safely conclude that he may not really be an unforgiving person; but one who doesn’t give a damn about your relationship.

It’s also possible that his unforgiveness is a reflection of the fact that you shouldn’t have anything to do with him in the first place. If you are in a relationship– whether romantic, business or career– with this fellow yet he finds it hard to forgive, it’s a bad omen. As long as you live and work with people, offences are inevitable. I mean, you are not an angel that will never offend people. What makes the difference is that you forgive each other quickly so that you can move on. If this person finds it difficult to forgive, you may be signing up for some degree of misery in that relationship.

In fact, I believe it’s simply maturity to forgive; not really special ability. You know why? No human being is infallible; including the unforgiving person. I am not aware that there is any human that wants to be visited with the full wrath of his offence all the time and that’s why common sense and maturity should help an adult realise that he has no option than to forgive as long as he lives on the earth. If he lacks this maturity, chances are that his unforgiveness is a pointer that he is not worthy of a meaningful relationship with you!

Don’t Weep for so Long

If you really value the relationship and the person but it crumbled because of his refusal to forgive you, you will have to face that reality and deal with it properly. I understand that it may pain you; but don’t let that pain last forever. In fact don’t allow the break up adversely affect your personal life, career or future relationships. Treat it as the hurts from the flogging of your teacher in elementary school because you made noise in class. It’s in the past and you learnt how not to make noise in class after that.

Weeping and depression for the lost relationship may be natural response to the loss; but it won’t resurrect the relationship; neither does punishing yourself unnecessarily restore it. That’s why it’s futile to spend so long a time morning a dead or badly wounded relationship. It may not be easy to do that but you have to put in every effort possible to get over the lost relationship. A realization of the emotional damage you do to yourself while you mourn and groan over a dead relationship should wake you up to shake off the morning mood and embrace the brighter future ahead of you.

There Is a Future Ahead Of You

When we find people who are very good in our estimation, we often think that there is nobody who is equally good like them or even possess superior qualities than them. But that is not really true. As a matter of fact, you will sometimes see people that have certain attributes that you wish were in your lover. That’s why I believe that being in a relationship or marriage is way beyond emotions. It’s a commitment to the other person.

Now, if you are not married and then lose the relationship you value so much and have even invested your money and emotion in, you have to walk away from it and reach out to another person that you can be with. I am aware that you may never possibly get another person with exact configuration like the other; but you don’t need any extra configuration to relate to have a meaningful relationship. There are fundamental requirements that matter; once those things are there, you will naturally fall in love with who the person is.

Walk away from the dead relationship. You can still find someone with better competence, higher paying power who will make work fun for you. You don’t have to kill yourself because the business or career relationship you thought holds multi million naira potentials for you has crashed. If you can manage the loss well and focus on the future, you will find better opportunities that will make life better an easier for you.

My thinking is that the new relationship built after a crashed one is always better! You can disagree but that’s my opinion based on observation and experience. A reason for this is that you are more careful and you have been armed with lessons from the crashed relationship. Therefore, having tried your best without success, please move on with your life and reach for the love ahead of you.

Move On Please

Move on with your life. Whatever you may have lost in the person, look for another person that will offer it with better peace of mind. There are other possible business partners you can get. You can find better love. It’s when you move away from the fellow and move on that you can find all of these potentials ahead of you.

My point?

Despite that we have a responsibility to do our best to sustain peace with the unforgiving; we are not guaranteed of positive result. When you have done your best, yet without success, don’t think yourself a failure. It’s just the relationship that failed. Move on with your life and reach for more peaceful and fulfilling relationships ahead of you.