HOW TO AVOID IN-LAW TROUBLE IN YOUR MARRIAGE ~ PASTOR BANKIE

Many marriages have crashed or at least, lost its flavour because many couple lacked wisdom for handling in laws; yet some others are at the verge of collapse unless an urgent intervention with practical wisdom is injected into it. Make no mistakes about this, marrying the will of God or your heartthrob doesn’t immunize you from in-law wahala. You need to learn and apply truth that will save you from the wahala.

 The founder of Pastor.ng and Pastor-Teacher, Kingdom-Word Ministries, Pastor Bankie Olusina said  that in his over 12 years old marriage, “I have absolutely no quarrels with any of my in-laws and my wife has no quarrel whatsoever with any of her in-laws. My mother loves my wife dearly and will rather conspire with her than with me.”

How did he achieve this feat?  That’s what we serve you on this week’s edition of BrojidLifesyle from the horse’s mouth. He also shares practical wisdom for handling and already existing in-law trouble.

I have very little to say about this matter because it is a very small matter. It only appears big because we have not examined what the real problem is.

Many times I hear descriptions of problems people have with their in-laws and I have never been able to get the point. The truth is that in-law problems do not exist in reality; the problem is always one with the couple.

Please I am not at all saying that there are not cases in which the in-laws are the devil’s assistants. Of course there are; after all, an in-law is just a person and even armed robbers and serial killers have relatives and these have wives and husbands. What I am saying is that “in-law problem” as an entity hardly exists. Problems with in-laws are actually manifestations of problems within the individuals and between couples themselves. By this I mean that when a man has a personal problem, it may manifest as a mother-in-law problem to his wife, and when a woman has an inherent spiritual or emotional problem, it may manifest as a family-in-law (I hope this term exists) to her husband.

If a woman is being disturbed by her in-laws, it is because the husband has refused to take his place. That is why I explained earlier that a man must leave before he is allowed to cleave. For this cause a man shall leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave to his wife; and they shall become one flesh. Gen 2:24

When you marry and still take instructions from your father or mother as a man, you are the cause of the in-law problems. You have not yet leaved;* you are sowing the seed for trouble. When you still depend on your parents for a roof over your head, I recommend you postpone your wedding, because except for very exceptional people, you will have in-law troubles.

(*Please allow me use the neologism ‘leaved’ instead of the proper English word ‘left’ so as to print the concept of leaving in our minds. When I say leaved, I mean a man (and woman too) separating himself as is proper for the purpose of subsequent union of matrimony as stated in Gen 2: 24 and confirmed by the words of the Lord Jesus in Matt 19:5)

A woman needs her own home; she does not want to be an assistant to another woman who is in her own palace. No matter how small your own place will be, leave so you can cleave. Those who have not leaved, whether physically or in their minds, will have problems. If you keep running to your family for money you will have problems.

In-law troubles are fruits which come from seeds of refusing to leave. This applies to both man and woman. Most of the troublesome mothers-in-law are just caring mothers who have not been able to realize that their babies have grown. It is the duties of these babies to grow up and let mummy and daddy know that they have.

See, I saw a lot of so called in-law problems before I got married and I reasoned with the word of God that it did not make sense and that it will not happen with me. I was not planning to choose who my in-laws would be, I just realized that the real problem would never be with them but with me.

I have been married as at the writing of this book for 12 years, and my wife’s folks think  I am a good person, and I think they are good people; they think my folks are good people and my folks think the world of them. I have absolutely no quarrels with any of my in-laws and my wife has no quarrel whatsoever with any of her in-laws. My mother loves my wife dearly and will rather conspire with her than with me. She thinks she is softer to deal with than me. That is nice, right? But let us see some things I had to do.

My wife is a very nice person, and so shortly after we were married she tried to be nice to my younger brother when he would often visit and stay with us. “Deji, please feel free o, this is your home o.” The day she said that I shouted after her, “Please do not feel too free, this is not your home. It belongs to your brother and his wife and you are a visitor here.” My wife felt I was being too hard and I told her I was saving all of us, everyone involved unnecessary quarrels later.

The time my mother and my sister were visiting after our oldest son was born, something happened and I explained to my mother, that she should talk to my wife if she wants anything from the kitchen and not my sister. My wife couldn’t get why I was being so firm on small matters. Actually my mother was trying to spare my wife a lot of hassle because she was nursing a baby but I was trying to let her know the order of things.

I told my wife that I was saving her a lot of troubles and that we should not because of being nice start sowing seeds that we will not like the fruit tomorrow. Now everybody is free in my home, and we have a lot of peace.

See, later on as my wife began to notice things happening to other people, she would say, “that cannot happen with my husband.”

She became grateful I took the stand I did in things. All she used to do when it had to do with her parents was to simply defer to me. She has always been on my side, and me on hers. We give gifts to our parents and siblings. It was our policy then to make sure my wife handed over the gifts for my parents to them as much as possible. It was always, “we brought you this.”

Every one of our parents and siblings understand that these two are together and they will not even try to think otherwise.

Jesus implied that there is a curse on anyone who tries to break the one-flesh that the Lord has joined. Why many in-law trouble makers are not seeing the wrath of God is because they are not the ones breaking the union; the husband and the wife never left their people. When you badmouth your wife to your mother or make it clear to your mother that you agree with her that having a son is the reason why you married, what do you expect from a caring mother? Of course she will agree to take on the son’s enemy, his wife.

No one of your relations can give any trouble to your spouse without passing through you, and that is a fact. If you stand by and defend your wife or husband everybody will relax.

Couples having in-law problems should please solve the issues themselves and stop hiding behind their parents as if they are the problem. The truth about these problems many times is that the man or the woman is allowing the relatives fight on his or her behalf.

These mercenaries are saying things that the man is thinking about his wife but is too afraid to say because he knows it is wrong. The wife may be too afraid to confront her husband and so allows her mother to do it.

Any man that has sense will defend his wife before his relations, and vice versa. Deal with matters yourself; pull your thumb out of your mouth and grow up!†

My parents and siblings only know what I say about my wife or what I confirm in their impressions. All their thoughts about my wife are directly or indirectly formed by me. If she does what is wrong, I can dispel it from their minds even if they found out about it. Man, if your mother has an issue with your wife you are mostly at fault. PERIOD. Keep them away from each other if they can’t get along.

What is your mother doing in your home when she can’t stand your wife? Or woman, what is your mother doing in your home when she can’t stand your husband? If she has nowhere else to go, then she has to take some adult lessons in coping with difficult people, because she is a guest in another person’s home.

Another problem I see a lot is when a man packs his siblings  into his home with a new wife in it. You know, I think such men are just either wicked or do not know what a wife is. I remember a man who packed three grown men, in their twenties, with a teenage girl, all his siblings, into a home with a wife and four little children.

Then they started accusing the woman of being intolerant.

I give a thumbs-up to women who can cope with that but before you start seeing the speck in the eye of the woman who can’t, I think you should remove the log of stupidity from your eye O man.

†Andrew Wommack says.

This is an excerpt from his popular book, Should I Say Yes? You can download the two part book here: God is The Match Maker & Fundamentals of Christian Marriage. To get the hard copy, kindly contact Kingdom-Word Ministries on 234 (0) 808 260 9588, 234 (0) 807 711 8777 or [email protected].

You can follow Pastor Bankie’s Radio Broadcast Secrets and Truths in your area TV Broadcast on Omega Channel at 7.00am on Sturday. You can  listen to him live every Tuesday and Saturday at top floor No 1A, Chime Avenue,  opposite Ebe-ano Estate, Enugu. Nigeria.